Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Sideways family

Facebook does some funny things sometimes, like today when it asked me this: 

“Would you like to make your sideways family your profile picture?” Uh no, I’d prefer to wait until my boyfriend figures out how to flip the picture, thank you. It’s not his fault he refuses to get an iPhone. I mean I know we had a lot to drink by then, we were just INSIDE that winery, but still. I’d also been drinking on a boat, pretending to catch fish before that. I wasn’t successful, at catching fish anyhow, the drinking went very well. 

See? That’s not my fish, but that IS MY WINE! I have that “not-holding -back-smile” that’s WAY too big to be photographed. Most people take that down a notch before “snap”. Yes, I can even tell this looking at it sideways. It’s so far past a teeth smile, or gums. I’m sure you can see my upper palette on that one. I was about to remind you I was still talking about the first photo, but I’m making the same stupid smile in both. Anyways, we had a great trip away, clearly. 

Friday, May 11, 2018

Best 5 way ever

Down Gatensbury street from my house, there’s such a thing as a five way stop. My new sexy dance classes are in Port Moody, so I’ve been going that way a lot more lately. This stop cracks me up. Every. Single. Time.
There’s only two scenarios that happen, either no one is there, or all five directions at the same time. When no one is there, I spend a ridiculous amount of time scanning to make doubly sure there’s no one, because by the time I’ve scanned from right to left, I have to check the right again. And it’s just jarring. It feels like a car is just going to pop right out of the trees!

The other scenario is when all five of us pull up at roughly the same time. Everyone gets this panicked look on their faces. Like “uh...the person to my right...are you going? I’ll go, no he looks like he’s going to go...” eventually someone musters the courage to establish THEY are the one going. But after that it’s a free for all. Funny thing is, I’ve never had a near accident at that one. It’s like everyone who goes through knows what a gong show it is, and proceeds cautiously. 
Once in a while you see the poor bugger who’s approached this intersection for the first time. Their mouth is usually gapped open, frantically looking around and they usually go last. “Okay. It’s safe now...*phew* what on earth just happened?” 

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

I can’t selfie

Betcha didn’t know selfie skills are a thing...

Unless you’re like me and can’t selfie to save your life...

It’s amusing how many attempts it takes...

Oh! Haaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!! 

Monday, March 19, 2018

Gas Light drive

So Jon and I drove up to Salmon Arm this past weekend to spend my Grandpa’s birthday with him, and the drive up was more nail bitting than it needed to be. As gas prices are high enough to rob your kids piggy bank, Jon decided to throw ten bucks in to get us out of the GVRD. When I started to see the signs for Hope, I said to Jon, “You’ll have to pull off into Hope to get gas.” 

Unfortunately, I was on my phone catching up with my sister, and not paying attention when he passed all the Hope exits. He also missed the sign that said, “check your fuel, next gas station in 110km” 
So when I got off the phone, he’s all, “I’m gunna push it until the next fuel station...” and I’m all, “ an hour and a half, on practically empty?!!?!? You’ll be bloody lucky if we make the next u-turn route and back to Hope!” And the gas light came on, 30km past Hope. 
And my lovely boyfriend in all his infinite positivity, kept rubbing the dash, saying we’d make it.”C’mon old girl, you got this!” I had my BCAA card in one hand, my phone in the other, and every kilometre we got closer, thinking that’d be less we had to walk. 
As a writer, imagine how I felt, hoping beyond hope we’d make it to Hope. The cocky bastard was right, we pulled in on FUMES!! And the rest of the drive felt horribly uneventful, in the best way. 

Monday, March 12, 2018

Departure Bay

On a recent trip back from Vancouver Island, I was panicking unnessearily to make a ferry, when I punched “departure bay” into my google maps. Turns out you must also add “terminal” to this search, because when you don’t, it takes you to some random neighbourhood nowhere near the water. As we...okay I started to compose myself and get us turned around, another car did the same thing. I started to tell my sister about it when we got home, and she finished my sentence, she’d done same thing too! 

Made me wonder how many random visitors that pocket of neighbourhood gets per day, weekend, or month. Do they keep a tally? Do they laugh about it with each other while they mow their lawns? If I lived there, I’d make a big sign on my front lawn, “Departure Bay TERMINAL ya dipshit!!” And then sit out in a lawn chair and watch the merital disputes unfold. 

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Me as a bit...

As per usual, I’m 10 years behind, but I just discovered Bitmoji, and all of a sudden an bunch of these things I’ve seen all over Facebook make sense. Sort of. 

I do not feel the need to be overly accurate when it comes to the BAGS UNDER MY EYES! 

Or my stress wrinkles. I’m quite sure people will recognize a cartoon version of me without those. 

Picking my glasses for cartoon me took more time than it did in real life. For reals, and not by a small margin I might add.

Who’s going to pick the Michallen man? Ah yes, my body type is ompa lompa please? No. If you’re picking a cartoon version of yourself, I feel it’s artistic liberty to shave off 20-30 pounds. At least. 

I had to try super hard not to let my emoji out dress me. Who on earth came up with those outfits? New York fashion week? Well safe to say I never look like that. Or that...where’s the potato sack? I’ll settle for a purple one. 

I’ll leave that one right there. I need at least three more options on the heavy end on that one...

But then things started to get creepy. 



Okay that’s just creepy...Right. Enough. 

You tell them tiny tit cartoon Jenn! 

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Sassy class 

By now even my blog followers have probably  figured out I like to try new things, push my comfort zone and giv’er. My sister Aleisha who’s been a dancer all her life, found Army of Sass a few years ago, and everytime I go to her shows I promise to come try a class. Well I finally did. 

So it’s basically sexy dancing in high heels. Kinda burlesque, but no stripping, no poles. But in a side note, I’ve also tried pole dancing, and I also appreciate how strong and coordinated those women are. 

So my background in dancing is embarrassing all my friends, and my friends friends when we used to go out. We don’t anymore, we’re old now. Except Aleisha and I did end up at Roosters a few weeks ago after the Miranda Lambert concert. 

See what I mean? And they all dance like this..

We don’t actually know the girl on the far left, she just kinda appeared for a bit. Probably wanted a confidence booster, “look at THAT girl...” 

So anyways, the warm up was lots of squats, and we do that in Judo, so I wasn’t too intimidated. But then we did some more. And another set. And some more squats. SQUATS FOR DAYS. My legs were jello, and I didn’t get a new set to dance with, can you beleive it? 

So the routine was pretty straight forward, Aleisha and her dancing background buddies caught on pretty quick. I kept getting nervous when she’d add more moves. One was a little booty pop from a squat position (MORE SQUATS?) and I was like, “oh that is SO not happening with this body. And these legs.” But Aleisha said I got that part pretty nailed. What I lack in ability I make up for in enthusiasm. 

What I couldn’t nail was the turn. It was the easiest thing in the world, the rest of the class got it just fine. “Just walk around yourself” she says. I could not. I’d get panicked and either spin, or take 15 stomps around like a temper tantrum. We ran through the routine like 10-15 times, I got that bit ONCE. And then I got super excited and couldn’t figure out what had happened to do it again. 

Once or twice they totally lost me, so I just busted my own groove for a bit, and Aleisha totally caught me. Hopefully the cameras they had taking video didn’t. 

Anyhow, if you’ve been thinking about trying it, I totally recommend it. I wasn’t hooked like the first time I tried Acro Yoga, but I was glad I went. Super encouraging and empowering environment, what’s a great group of ladies! 

But any night that ends with poutine like this...

And wine...

Is on point in my books. Also amazing company. 

I’m a very lucky girl in my life to have such amazing peoole to share it with.