Sunday, August 31, 2014

Singles Mingler

Just in case you thought my ramblings about single life were over with Tinder, I want to tell you about a Singles Mingler I went to last week. First thing I did wrong was show up on time. Just like clubs, they don't get off their feet right away. I also went by myself, because #singledoesntstopme and I thought I might be more approachable that way, but almost every other girl there came in a clump. So I got my class of wine, and mingled away.

The people I got along the best with, women and men, were the people I made jokes with. One gentlemen showed me magic tricks. The event was 19+, emphasis on the plus. A couple guys I was talking to, I was busy doing the math in my head while they talked, until I'd come to the conclusion, "Yup, he's old enough to be my dad..." We had the opportunity to write messaged to each other based on our  number. I wrote my first one...

Yea, I wrote it to myself. I was also the first one to receive a real message though. It asked me what brought me here, and I never found poor number 4 all night. I got a message saying a guy liked my smile. One guy gave me his number. I stayed for a couple hours. 

It wasn't until I was putting my glass away back at the bar that I found the giant cluster of people my age. Hanging out near the bar, I should have guessed. They all seemed quite normal too. 

That's the kicker people. The big take away I got from this event was how I spoon feed people my craziness. You laugh, but it's true. Through this entire process, I've felt a giant hesitation to be too much myself, because lets face it, I'm pretty out of the box. I like to differentiate between good crazy, and bad crazy, but I doubt anyone would let me get that far. 

Only once throughout all of Tinder did I actually relax and act truly myself, and shit it was refreshing. My friend put it in the best words, "wave your freak flag" she said. Best advice I've gotten so far. It helps that she's in a ridiculously happy relationship with an awesome guy. "I found someone else waving theirs too!" Brilliant. Going forward, my freak flag flies.     

Also a shout out to my readers, the I'm Yelling Tinder post hit 200 page views this past week, and I couldn't be happier. I love you all. Especially the green dots in Russia I've never met, I'm sure you're all swell. 

Friday, August 29, 2014


I was using a public washroom yesterday,  with those super nifty sensor taps that rarely work properly. It got me thinking. I was raised in a super loving environment, my parents always hugged and kissed me, and before they left, "I love you have a good day" and before bed, "I love you, goodnight". Since living on my own, it's occurred to me that I can go entire days without touching anyone. I'm a touchy-feely kinda girl, but I've never put much thought into it. I hug my coworkers, my sisters, strangers...but it occurred to me that sometimes we live in a touchless world. Cuddles people!  They're important to your emotional health, do not take this lightly. Keep calm and hug on.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Creepy bobbing heads

If you haven't been forced to download the new Facebook messenger, you will. I was buying something off a buy/sell/swap group on Facebook when it put the block on me. I needed that stupid address or I would have avoided it on principle.

When you're chatting with someone now, it's a whole separate app, that runs in conjunction with any other app you're running. What it does is turns the person's profile picture into a small sphere on your screen that you're able to click on to keep talking to them.

So you could be up until the wee hours, Tindering away, and if you talked to your Grams that day, there her face is. In the app. Judging you.

Or my problem was, a friend did one of those "what you'll look like in 60 years" photos and made it his profile picture. Harmless enough, until that creepy little head was EVERYWHERE I went on my phone. I made him change it so the night terrors would go away.

Hold your finger on the heads, and you can move them around your screen wherever you wish. With a little imagination, that gets fun quick. But when youre done, hold them down and a little X bubble appears at the bottom, where you can swipe the obediently into and they disappear. For another volcanic day. Oops!

Toodles Tinder

My sister created a new verb, "Are you Tindering again?" when we hang out. I've made a habit of getting a large tea in the morning so I don't fall asleep at work due to staying up half the night. I went to a party last weekend, and my blog was the only interesting thing that's happened to me lately. We are long past the point where this is a problem. 

I also realized in all my Tinder sequels, with all the turns offs and swipe rights, I've never composed a list of all my good qualities. I've realized I have a lot to offer. And world, be ready for me. Serena told me today I'm taking on dating like, "force of destruction". She meant it as a compliment; I'm the writer in the family by the way. She meant that I'm taking it head on, and being single doesn't stop me. (my very own witty hashtag #singledoesntstopme, it's not viral, YET) 

Its been a fun confidence booster, whether or not I actually end up meeting anyone to write home about. This sounds open ended because if you haven't noticed, I don't write about someone until it hasn't worked out, call it superstition. As a leaving present, some gems I've found lately, since I figured out how to take screen shots. 

Please note some cameo's here, thanks to the new Facebook messenger. Don't ask how I've mentally justified posting these, my answer might include unquestionable stupidity and a sincere inquiry on the state of the world. Toodles Tinder, its been fun.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Having a moment - Tinder Sequel

At this point I feel slightly bad that I'm turning my Tinder experience into a social experiment. Such is last Friday when I was going to Yoga, and posted my first "moment". As far as I can tell, it's a picture you can take, add words to, and then it becomes viewable to only your matches for 24 hours. By the time I'd finished the class, it already had 15 likes. After the whole 24 hours, it had.37 likes! 

Little do they know this is the only pose I can do with any conviction, and it was completely staged. The guys I'd been talking to definitely mentioned it, and a few that hadn't bothered to say hi all of sudden felt compelled to.

One of the guys said, "Hmmm, that will give gentlemen bad thoughts...." Uh yea, maybe that was the point. I can't bust into a rant about how guys are pigs because to be fair to these poor unsuspecting souls, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced it was a trap. I'm the pig. 

I just wanted to see what would happen. And at first I thought 37 was a lot of likes, until I started to count up my matches, and realized I have over a hundred. This perfectly demonstrates the other issue I've had with Tinder lately. I'm bloody well addicted to it! It's been my comical muse, but I feel very strongly, it's almost time to say goodbye. 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Ustin's are OUT! - Tinder sequel

If you're wondering why I'm doing sequel posts, which are out of character for me, my first Tinder post had 156 pageviews. This is a new record for me, it's predecessor post being in the neighborhood of 60-65 pageviews.

So after we've both swiped right on Tinder, we chat away until I pass his crazy screening and he gives me his number, and we chat some more, eventually we get to the point where he suggests we meet up. (I never suggest this, what am I? A clinger?)  For those of you yelling "DANGER ZONE!", including all my more wise family members, let be clear, I'm not dumb. Public crowded places people!

The group I went July long weekend camping with teased me because the first two guys I chatted with for any length both had Ustin names. I would give you an example, but I can only think of the two actual names, and I've decided to change the names of everyone I talk about because:
1. My nicknames are funnier
2. I don't want to be sued
3. I don't want any of them to read this and be offended. 
4. The world is far too small not to cover my butt. 
5. I have a conscious! 
These poor guys knew I'm a writer, but did they know I'm going to document them? Probably not. 

So anyways, my first date was with Shy Guy Says. Poor guy. For a first date, I much prefer coffee, then what was our dinner date at a local bar. Coffee can be 15 minutes or two hours. Dinner, not so much. So the guy was shy, and such a SWEETHEART, but not a little shy. Not nervous shy. SUPER shy. I am not shy. I was WAY too much him. I hated myself on this date. I never freaking shut up. I barely took a breath. Ugh. 

The other Ustin and I had tentative plans, but he met someone at his sisters wedding and blew me off. Since then, he's sent me a message saying things fizzled with her. Well how sad for you. I am not a consolation prize. Moving on...

I had a date this past Monday with Sqammy, named so because he lived in Squamish. Completely opposite to my first interaction, I couldn't get a word in edgewise! Yea I know. Hard to believe someone was more talkative than me. We had coffee, walked around UBC. He told be about moving to Australia in January. Then he gets a frantic text from his sister who needs a ride home. An out? Maybe, maybe not.  I haven't heard from him or his skinny jeans since. 

Then Thursday I have a coffee date with the Friendly Giant. He was 6'3 and damn, this guy was nice! Normal even! We chatted for a while. I was slightly put off that he kept checking his phone, but that could have been a nervous thing. I liked myself on that date, I was somewhat charming. I did cut things slightly short though. Did I just want to be chased? Maybe. He'd like to go out again, but I just feel like we rubbed some sticks together for a while with no spark. I feel like he deserves better.

More Tinder Turn offs - guys who live at home, smokers, and guys with scary tattoos. You laugh, but it's a thing! If his tattoos are going to give me nightmeres, and when I see it all I can think about is rolling over in the middle of the night and coming face to arm with it and I shiver with fear? Out! 

So then I'm thinking maybe I'm being too picky. But the other day, I had a moment...a photo I take of myself and share with my matches for 24 hours. Check back!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Stage 5 clinger - Tinder sequel

Let's explore a recent accusation against me about being one. At first I was slightly offended, and geared up to defend myself, until I realized he'd hit the nail on the head.

For those playing the home game, there are only five stages of being a clingy individual, and stage 5 is the worst. The Urban Dictionary definition is: A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast. Virgins, those on the rebound, and the emotionally fragile are more likely to have this term applied to them. Orignally from the movie Wedding Crashers.

In my defense, I was two out of three of those, and no, I'm not a virgin. But I should have figured this out sooner to be honest, there's been hints. One friend gave the advice, "Well Jenn, you're just a lot to take all at once". Another friend suggested, "Don't let on that you're too attracted too quickly, you'll scare them off."

Just to bring it all home for me, I had a clinger message me on Tinder. Repeatedly. He'd send 6 to my one. And at one point he said, "do you not want to talk to me?" It was when I realized I was totally put off, and my instinct was to run for it, that things really clicked. 

Let's consider this a Tinder Turn Off, but against me. So I might cling a little. I'm also less than reasonably short. I don't wear make up. I drive a less than glamourous 91' Ford Escort. But the biggest turn off so far? I'm not in it for hook ups. Tinder on! 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Deciphering code - Tinder sequel

So let's be honest, Tinder started out as, and some people still use it as a hook up site. That being said, some guys have figured it out and put what they're looking for in their write up, which is helpful. I avoid the friends for a night kinda guys.
Some are pretty forward. "Hey you want to hang out tonight?" As their opener. They're only looking to get to know one part of you.
Also, "coffee" means I want to get to know you, "drinks" is code for I want in your pants. Right now. After I get a couple drinks in you.
I feel so proud when a guy gives me his number, like "Yes! Passed the crazy screening!" Which has the opposite effect when you actually say that. Imagine a nervous laughter...
One guy opened with, "What's your most awkward sexual moment?" Which I found interesting. It feels a lot like a book idea. So I told him a story about trying to take my undies off and it getting hooked on my foot and falling out of bed. Funny, but still makes a good first impression, right? WRONG! He told me a ronchie story involving his mouth, a girls bum, and ingesting poo. Unmatch.
He was doing what we call paying the odds. Lots of guys take this strategy. Eventually one in one hundred girls will think that's fantastic he took one for the team like that and they live happily ronchie after.
To be honest, other than Poo Guy, I haven't had any awful experiences chatting, which from a writing perspective is awfully boring. But there was that 5th degree clinger...check back!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I'm yelling TINDER...

To be honest, I've been tempted to write about my experience with Tinder, but then I'd actually have to admit I'm on it. Which I wasn't so willing to do in the article I wrote for my college paper about being single but some reason the entire internet feels much more intimate.

So for those of you playing the home game, Tinder is a hook up app that connects to Facebook. It became super popular during the Olympics, because it finds you matches by how close you are, so people could randomly hook up all over the streets of Vancouver. Can you imagine? "Mmmm, this chick's HAWT, and she's 1km away..."

I made a profile with up 6 pictures from my Facebook account, my name and my age. There's also an option for a write up, but I felt far too much pressure and opted out it. I was tempted to write, "looking for someone who likes cooking and is good at it", but I didn't.

That's it ladies and gentlemen. That's all you have to base a huge decision of swipe left for yes and right for no. It feels completely judgmental! How on earth is that ethical? That being said, it's addictive. I'm not ashamed to say I'm swipe happy.

The app also brings up matches who you have common friends with, and common interests. I must have gone nuts one day for interests, I have over 35. Most of which are outdoorsy like hiking, fishing and camping, so I keep getting this super athletic, outdoorsy guys, not that I'm complaining...

I think it would be mean to admit who I've run into that I know in real life, matched based on our common friends on Facebook, but lets just say it's 100 times more jarring than complete strangers.

I've noticed a few reoccurring trends; pictures with dogs, full back tattoos, guys holding guns and topless selfies. The last of which is a Tinder Turn Off for me, and since they're so funny, let me tell you about other automatic swipe rights...

I click no automatically to guys who have girlfriend pictures, too many alcohol pictures, and pictures where you can't see their head. Duh. Don't get me started on the one gem who just had a picture of his junk, in a pair of WET white underwear. Doesn't leave too much to the imagination, does it Grandma? (I know she reads my blog, don't worry Grams, I didn't take a screen shot)

For no explainable reason I also say no to guys who wear scarves. I feel like they're too artistic for my taste. Maybe too metrosexual. I realize this makes no sense. The poor guys are just cold, and I'm not giving them a chance.

I also say no to all guys named Gary, because that would just be weird. Its my dads name, and even though it's pretty uncommon, I'm surprised how many popped up on Tinder. Maybe it's the same guy over and over again, I would never know. I swiped "OUTTA HERE" too quickly.

When I do get matched with a guy, and they message me, I can't stand it when guys use improper grammar, punctuation and spelling. I dun care if u think ur 2 cool for skool, it drives me CRAZY! I'll overlook the occasional "u" or "r" but use two, too or to incorrectly, all bets are off. On an unrelated note, I just discovered an "unmatch" button...

Wow, that's a lot of Tinder Turn Offs. Well a few things I say yes to are guys who put a smiling picture as their first picture, and ones who write something witty in their write up. And gingers. Oh my goodness the gingers. I have something for freckles, and gawd help me if they're covering their entire body head to toe (my only exception to the topless selfies rule).

So far I have lots of matches, I'm talking to a half dozen guys, and I've been on couple dates...but this post is long enough, I guess you'll have to check back for an update ;)

Friday, August 15, 2014

"Beat the heat!"

I hate this phrase. Everytime I hear it, for no good reason, I cringe. The thing is, I don't consider it a phrase, because a phrase is spoken by people, in day to day conversations. This annoying combination of words has only every been used in bad advertising. Ever heard your friend say, "darn good thing I got this popsicle, it's helping me to BEAT THE HEAT!" No. Not even close. It's slogan. I bet the clever bugger that first came up with it is rich as sin. I bet he uses it in conversations, and I hope his friends tease him about it. I would.


A friend of mine dropped this one of our conversations the other day, it's an acronym for "Duel Income, No Kids". The problem is he used it in a unique context of, "Can't blame him, he's dink..." I feel like you can only use an acronym with success when it's not already another word. I told him dink was taken, now twice. Poor Dinosaur. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Garage Sale-sman

It being the summer, lots of Garage Sales have started popping up, just about everywhere. I like taking a peek mostly because scrapbooking is the hobby for the extremely anal retentive and some people go out buying lots thinking its for them, soon to find out it's not. Then a couple years later they forget how much they spent on it, and try to unload it to make room. I love these people.

But why is it that I can't look at your junk in peace? Something about garage sales turns every man, woman and especially child into a salesperson. That's a spectacular idea to a child, the last person that rolled up gave me money for stuff I don't want or need anymore! All of a sudden you're a gazzel to a lion. And you're the only thing standing between that lion and their next favourite video game. Good luck!

But the parents are just as bad. They like to rattle off stats on their crap. "Those are $120, size 7, brand name jeans, and you can have them for the low price of $20!" I'm so tempted to ask if that's in five easy payments, or if I get a money back guarantee. But it doesn't. As soon as you hand over the cash and make it past the lemonade stand, you're the proud owner buster. With any luck you'll find a $20 in the zipper pocket and turn a profit.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

All bottled up

Lately I've been taking in a couple of my friends pilled up bottles to help my fundraising for the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Thursday I had a whole carload to take in at 5:30pm when I finished work, and the place I was taking them to closed at 6pm. 

It was when I was wheeling all my bags in for sorting that at guy came up to me and asked if I needed help. I said no, and to be honest I recognized him and thought he worked there. He said, "Oh come on, I don't mind, I'm waiting for a friend anyhow" and started sorting them. It occurred to me that with his efficiency of sorting that this guy might actually come here a lot, and want some of the money from the bottle since he was helping. So I told him what the money was going to.

 As we're finishing, which took half as long, or less than it would have, he asked me for a favour. He'd put two flats of beer cans aside and asked me if he could have the money from them. Feeling guilty that he'd helped, I said yes. I left the bottle depot with $30 from the bottles and a bad taste in my mouth.

To be honest, the cans he took probably only got him $2, at most, but its the principle. I didn't like that I assumed he would ask me for money, and then that he proved my assumption right. I felt cheated. I wouldn't have wanted his help if he expected compensation for it, and I felt obligated since he had. Also, it wasn't like the money was going in my pocket either, he knew where the money was going, and he asked anyways. I talked to a few friends about it, a couple who agreed with me, and others said I need to let it go. Either way, I was still thinking about it two days later, and that made it blog worthy in my mind. 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Grammy's slippers

I love going to visit my Grammy Ivy at the old folks home she's staying at in Aldergrove. 

Starbucks is Grammy's favourite, so for a change of scenery, I often take her to get a cup. 

One time I took her, I didn't realize until we were getting out of the car, that Grammy just had her slippers on. We laughed and laughed. Maybe it's because I'm not a mom yet, but I didn't even check! I told Grammy that it's trending for girls to wear them out, and she was just fashionable. 

As proof, this is some random chick wearing her slippers in Timmies. Inside the mall. *sigh*
Grammy rocked it better than her. 

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Ride on

On Father's Day, I registered for the 2015 Ride to Conquer Cancer. On the application I got to circle that I want my fundraising to go directly to Lymphoma. I also need to raise $2500 and train to ride 260km to Seattle in August 2015. Two months to the day after I lost my dad to cancer, I bought a bike second hand to reach my goal.

I can't ever say enough good things about the man, and how he made such a positive impact on my life and who I've become. I've always been a daddy's girl, and anyone who spends more than 10 minutes around me picks up on how much he meant to me.

I'm no where near coping with loosing him, and sometimes I wake up hoping it was all a bad dream, but my family and friends are helping me move upward and onward.

I keep taking on these runs, obstacle course races, and challenges thinking it'll be the time I bite off more than I can chew, but I keep surprising myself. So far I'm a Spartan, a Warrior, a Concrete Hero and a Mudder. I want to make it over this finish line too.

But I need your help. Donate. Post this to your wall. Share my story, not because it's unusual, but because it's far too common.