Thursday, August 3, 2017

De-dicking my life

Last year at one of my onesie parties, my friends took it upon themselves to put little paper penis' all over my house. 


They got pretty creative, sticking them to door handles, and other places I'd have to touch them. 


It's made for some interesting scenarios, my favourite of which was when I had a sex toy home party sales lady over, and mid sentence she says, "wait, are there penis' all over your house? I thought for a minute I'd been in the business too long, seeing dicks everywhere..." 

Last week I opened the book Jon was reading, and found a small collection of my paper penis' on the front page! I sent a snap titled #dicktheif that I didn't save. 

Turns out, little by little he's been de-dicking my place. Couple times he put them up at the construction job sites.

But on the day we've been dating for six months, I also feel it nessesary to point out the other way he removed dicks from my life, by being a rock star boyfriend. 


Cheers to surrounding yourself with amazing people, and realizing one day how ridiculously happy you are. I wish this kind of happiness for all my friends and family, but also for all the dicks in the world, maybe it'll soften you up a little.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Scary AF

Similar to men who watch videos of other men being kicked or punched in the junk would instinctively grab their own, this image scares me in a big way. 


I want absolutely nothing of what you're offereing. Hard no. If you don't know what "AF" means, quick, ask the closest teenager. 


 


 

Friday, July 7, 2017

Hug it out

There's a lot of hate blaming going around online right now, I say we just take the Barney approach, "Can't we all just get along?" We should all just hug it out. Big 'ol group hug instead of rally's. 


Even the smelly people, we'll just hug them quickly. Even the people that aren't enthusiastic about the idea, we'll just talk them into it and squeeze. 

At the very least, if you're ever feeling sad about the state of the world, Google "group hug". I have a personal favourite: 



 

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Nice rack

I was all geared up to tell you about my epic wine rack night. And then I realized I'd just called it an epic wine rack night. To summarize:



Right, so safe to say my life is pretty boring these days. When we left Salmon Arm after May Long weekend, my grandfather surprised my sister and I with planters. I was genuinely excited about it, so much so that I've actually managed to keep it alive! 


You should have seen how excited I got when I found the dryer sheets gramsie hid in my stuff too! 500 sheets! Golly! I'm gunna be honest, I kinda like boring. I like that this was the hardest decision we made all day Monday...


I feel so adulty. Although I recognize that saying that just makes it untrue. 
 
 

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Gray day

I had two comments about my gray hair yesterday, both in a negative light. One person just teased me straight up, and the other commented that I'm "prematurely gray" for my age. 


Oh? Compared to whom? I got gray hairs before the majority of the population? Lucky me. What if aging isn't something inevitable, to dread, but a privilege that should be celebrated? This is whom I am, I've just decided not to cover it up anymore. I'm sure I'll dye it again, in however long, but lately I'm feeling even more justified in my decision. #grayisbeautiful2 

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Jon's first fish

As it turns out, Jon had never been fishing before we took him out for May Long Weekend to Lac Le Jeune with my Uncle and his friend. 


My uncle was so good at talking like a dentist through the gear, tying a fly on, how many colours to let out and the whole bit. I might even say he enjoyed teaching someone who was so eager to learn. So we fished. And fished. 

My uncle caught one small one we kept, and we had a couple bites, but nothing to write home about. 

On our way back to the boat launch, Jon decides he has to pee, and declined my uncles offer of the "pee bucket". "Well you better not pee on the side of my boat!" He says. So for Jon to lean out far enough, I held the back of his belt loop so he didn't fall in. Then my Uncles teasing about having his worm out as bait, and they're bantering away when all of a sudden, my Uncles friends line zings. For anyone who's heard this sound, it's exhilarating. What timing though, everyone jumping around in the 12 foot boat at the same time! 

So my Uncle's friend grabs the rod, sets the hook and everyone else starts reeling their lines in so they don't cross. Except that they did. The fish is jumping away in the background while Jon's hanging out the side of the boat trying to untangle the lines. That's when my Uncle says, "once in a while, we still managed to catch the fish before when this has happened.." and I'm thinking, "not a single chance in the world.." when Jon starts saying he can still feel the fish on the line! So he starts pulling the line in by hand! 

And I grab the net, and can you beleive we netted that bugger? 


We called it a combined effort. Although I was sad Jon didn't catch his own fish, not even when I sent him out the next day without me, he caught something all fisherman love more than a big fish. 

An awesome story.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Opportunity spoiled

I feel very lucky in my life, for so many reasons. I've been told recently that it's got nothing to do with luck, that I've built a life full of happiness and love, but I can't take that much credit. I love Mascoting, and all the opportunities I've gotten to do it. That came about by happenstance mostly, and just by emailing saying I'm enthusiastic. 


I love Acro Yoga, Erin and Jim at Centered Within Yoga are just amazing people, and I feel so close to them and Theresa. I met them all last Ocotober at the Yoga retreat I went on, but it took my until May to muster the courage and time to do it. It enriches my life in so many ways. 


Dodgeball. Judo. Riding my bike to Harrison last month. Aquasize. I was driving from Jon's to Yoga the other morning, and a favourite song of mine came on the radio. I felt so overwhelmed with happiness that I got goosebumps. I wish this for everyone, even the people I don't nessesrily like. Be #goosebumphappy! 

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Poor Beasty

Sometimes I get these overly romanticized ideas, like when a coworkers cat passed away and I couldn't find a cat frame I liked, I decided to make one. And wouldn't that be so charming since I own a cat, if it had real cat paw prints on it? As it turns out, not quite...

I got everything ready and prepped before hand, but it didn't help. She started crying, an awful horrible cry like I was killing her! So naturally I started crying too. It was very traumatic and pathetic. And then we got too much paint, and it was hard to clean off. She jumped down at one point, and started leaving black paw prints all over my house, so I started screaming, which of course made her run faster. The paw prints on the floor actually topped the ones on the frame. 


So then I had to wash her paw in the sink. Under the tap. With running water. She was not impressedipoo. She kept licking her paw, I was worried even though the bottle said "non-toxic" that maybe there was something in it that would be harmful to her. I was worried, but not enough to spend another $70 cad  calling pet poison control.  


Other than being mad at me for two days, she ended up being just fine. Consider this lesson learned.
 

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Surfed

I've never been afraid of water, or waves, but the situation at Tofino's Long Beach was still intimidating. It's on the West Coast of Vancouver Island, and it's open ocean. I'd never seen a sandy beach so vast, but I don't do a lot of travelling. Maybe Ireland will have some big beaches in September when I go. 


Anyhow, with the full body wet suit, the board bonncing on my head, I trekked to the water, and felt genuine hesitation to getting in there with the huge waves. 


That photo doesn't quite capture it, I was trying not to let the dogs playing bowl me over. The only information I had to go on was a YouTube video I watched, and Serena doing demonstrations in her pjs that morning during breakfast. 


"You didn't get lessons" they said? Thats just not the Markham way...


So off we went. Getting past where the waves break was challenging. The board had to be facing forward, and the tip pointed up. (Does this sound dirty to you as well?) I had salt water in my eyes, in my nose. Sometime I'd hit a wave the wrong way and my brain would be jostled enough I'd have to regroup for a minute. 

At first I was all worried about my board when we'd get tossled. It was on my credit card after all, but I got over that real quick. "Where's my board?" *KONK* ah, smashed me in the head, there it is. *YANK* ah, almost dislocated my ankle, there it is. You're on your own board, every man for themselves...

First question everyone asks, "did you stand up?" Absolutely not. I was lucky to have the board facing the right way, and in close proximity to me when Serena yelled at me that a decent wave was coming. The bacholorette got up on her board before I'd even passed the break the first time by the way. 

I managed to ride a couple waves, probably by sheer accident or coincidence, on my tummy. I had at 'er for a good while, then I passed out on the beach, the first time with the board still attached to my foot. 


It was a good first experience, glad I did it. I was going to say I wouldn't get so excited to do it again, but when I told Jon, he got excited about trying it. Sometimes one of us gets excited enough for both. 
 

Monday, May 15, 2017

Missed connection

I was in a chocolate store in the ferry terminal, and a guy walked up beside me asking what a Nanaimo bar is. Funny, because we were in Nanaimo, and he had an accent that suggested he wasn't from around here. You're going to ask me where it sounded like it was from, and I'll have to admit that despite finding accents adoringly attractive, I can never pin point where one is from. Maybe New Zealand? Anyhow, buddy goes to pay for his chocolate, and he's a little short. Like small change short. So I butted in and offered to pay for the whole thing. He tried to give me the change he had, but I refused. He offered to buy me a coffee, but I said, "No, it's a good deed! You can't give me something in return!" So fast forward to when my crowd is choking down on burgers and poutine an hour later on the ferry, and there he is offering to buy me coffee again, points to a side of seating area. I joked that it'd have been a cute story of a first encounter had I been single. I did look around for him, because of course I write a blog, and it could have been a good story. We found him once, but he was sleeping. I'd hate to have woken him up. Or worse, woken up some stranger that turned out not to be him. Maybe I could have asked him where his accent was from. Maybe I could have explained random acts of kindness like paying for the guy behind you in the Timmies line up. We'll never know...

Friday, May 12, 2017

Frap fumble

I have a coworker who's not Canadian born, and sometimes we have what I like to call, a cultural fumble. Sometimes they're ugly, like mistaking "executioner" instead of "executor" in the worst case possible. But yesterday it was funny. 

She rushed over to Starbucks for their happy hour to get me a Smurf frappacino. Didn't sound so crazy, they just had a Unicorn Frap, and there's a new animated smurf movie just out. But when she walked in with it, it wasn't blue. 


Blatant diregard if you're making a SMURF Frap and it's NOT BLUE. And then I read the label. S'mores! I started laughing and couldn't stop. But if you didn't grow up here, roasting marshmallows over the fire, you'd never know the gooey mess that is a s'more. And I was laughing too hard, I could barely get the words out, "...chocolate, graham cracker...MARSHMALLOW!!" It was a cute moment. 


 

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Armless


I love this photo. I got this poster in high school, I've had it up most places I've lived, it's now stuck up on my wall.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit, I just noticed they photoshopped her left arm out of the picture. 

Now that you've gone back to take a peek, you see I'm correct. At the angle her left shoulder is at, it's impossible for her arm to be anywhere but directly behind their kiss. Which it is not. 

I get that the kiss is a pretty important part of the picture, but enough to cut off her arm? Quite the sacrifice, earned my respect. 


 

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Book age

Maybe it's from reading so much young adult fiction, but I always assume when I read regular books that the characters are all significantly older than me. I just finished a book written by Nora Roberts about two people who were in love at 18, and reunited 10 years later. Short cute little Christmas love story, kids everywhere, everyone is married. And then I put it all together in the shower, the buggers ARE MY AGE!!! Good grief! How many times did I read, "back when we were young and reckless/careless..." I still am young, reckless AND careless. And happy. Thank you very much. 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Grief river rapids

Of all the analogies I've heard about grieving, it's the river one that rang true for me. How sometimes the river flows peacefully and calm, and other times the river is rough, with rocks and flows aggressively. If you've never see a river like this, then obviously your sister never convinced you to go tubing down the Coquitlam river before. 

Lately my grief river has been a little rougher. I'm trying to meet these feelings without judgement. It's a fine balance to welcome these feelings as a testament to your love for that person, and not dwell on them so much you're forgetting all the good memories. 

For anyone new to the game, I'd say leave your epectations at the door. Don't expect to be "over it" by anytime, and don't be too hard on yourself when the grief hits you with all its strength. Plan for the days you know will be hard, but also be ready for unexpected greif rapids. 

Just yesterday I had a client who was dealing with the loss of her dad, and she said, "I just want my dad back" and I lost it. I made it to the back room at work before I broke down in tears. Big tears. Big heaving breaths between them. I weeped. I let it out for just long enough that I felt I'd done it justice, then I dried my eyes and went back to work. Pulled up my big girl panties and got on with it. 

I wouldn't agree with as much with "time heals all wounds" as much as "fake it until you make it". Do the best you can, get up and dressed for work. Eat - try small portions of a big variety of foods and nibble away. Sleep, do whatever you need to relax, and make this happen. Smile. Eventually faking it turns into actually feeling that way, and being okay with it. Be gracious when people say, "I'm sorry for your loss" especially the 110th time - it's your world that feels empty, those words are full of love. 

Accept that some people close to you won't know what to say, or what to do to help you. Accept that some strangers will. I found doing small things to help other people, and bigger things like fundraising events help a lot too. 

I hope you've found comfort in my words, and feel free to pass this on if you found it helpful. Maybe even to someone who needs it. 

"There's beauty in this world. Sometimes you have to look hard for it, and other times you have to create it. But it's there"

Monday, March 20, 2017

Miss you everyday

I found this note in my rechargeable batteries.


So obviously my batteries are quite old. And probably won't work in my digital camera I'm bringing with my on my trip. But that note is in dads handwriting. It made me miss him, in the best way. 

I know people who've lost people close to them and say "I miss them everyday" I can appreciate that, and I respect it, but I'll be honest, I don't miss dad everyday. Some days I don't even think about him.
I just go about my daily life, trying to always do the right thing, and taking every opportunity to laugh. Just like he taught me. When I used to think about him, I'd get sad. Lately, I only think about him when I'm super happy. 

I miss him with intensity. Some things I do, I can't help but think of him. But I don't miss him everyday anymore. I've come to a point of my grieving for my dad that I'm more at peace with him being gone, and try everyday to live my life in a way that would make him proud. 

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Tapped

I snapped this last week...


And then this one...


Truth is, the "life" I was trying to escape is my indecisiveness about a new toilet paper holder. I saw one I liked for $10, but the store was out of stock. Now they don't carry it. And I just can't seem to find another one I like as much that isn't $45. I've been to three different stores, on five different occasions I just can't seem to make up my mind. And the longer it goes on, the most indecisive I become. Some sort of awful TP holder negative feedback loop. All joking aside, the shower was very calming. And shit if someone walked by, I wouldn't have wasted a second to jump out just to scare them. Or would just standing there quietly staring at them be creepier? I wonder...

Monday, February 20, 2017

Putting the brakes on my enthusiasm

This won't be my usual light hearted post, but it's important. I post a lot of pictures of me at finish lines, holding medals and happily succeeding. There's another side to training you don't normally see. 


This is me after a training ride yesterday, feeling completely broken. I'll skip to the end, turns out the whole 30km, the front brake mechanism was broken, and partially engaged. But I didn't know that while I was riding. I thought since I'd given up alcohol, and been drinking so much water (thanks Jon) I'd be a gazzel! It was a route we do often, and usually as a reprieve in our training. I made the same breakfast mistake I thought I'd learned from last year, but even eating didn't help. I was sluggish, and it was all I could do to make my bike go forward. It was our first ride since the snow, and it was cold and wet. With every fibre of my being Grams, I wanted to stop, throw my bike and cry. 

But I learned more than if I'd nailed that ride.

1. Regular bike maintance is imperative. 

2. Keep pedalling. Even when it sucks. 

3. My cousin, life coach, mentor, riding buddy and cheerleader Cindy is irrefutably one of the most important people in my life. I hope one day I get the chance to encourage her like she did for me yesterday.

4. Jon is as optimistic as me, if not more so, with unwavering faith in my abilities. "You got the best work out of your life!" 

In true form of this experience, this is my second time writing this post, the first time I left the page to find the link to my fundraising and it disappeared. Hopefully I wrote it better the second time. Here's the link: 

http://www.conquercancer.ca/site/TR/Events?px=4156398&pg=personal&fr_id=1593&s_src=boundlessfundraising&s_subsrc=:sub_source

Friday, February 17, 2017

Whistlered right

For family day Whistler had half priced tickets for BC residents, so Serena, Shaun, Jon and I drove up for skiing/boarding. A series of mini events had us up and skiing by noon. Our first priority was taking as many chair lifts as we could to get to the top. We miandered our way down, stopping for a snacky lunch on one of the runs. While eating we even commented, "where is everyone? Feels like we have the mountain to ourselves..." When we finally got to the bottom, we headed over to the Blackcomb side to take the gondola. We all hopped off with our gear at the midstation, and laughing like hyena's rushed back into another gondola with only one guy in it. He turned to us when we settled and composed ourselves and said, "did you guys get stuck on Whistler when it shut down?" And we said, "whatever do you speak of?" Turns out, the whole Whistler side of the mountain was shut down for a couple hours in the middle of the day, some people were stuck on lifts for 45 minutes before they got running again. We missed it. Completely. Let's be clear, I have a healthy fear of heights, and being on a chair lift is one thing, but they swing when they stop, and then dangling there for 45 minutes? I'd have freaked. My friend at work told me about a movie "Frozen" where people got left on a chair lift for a weekend, one got their face stuck to the pole, one froze, one jumped off and got eaten by wolves...sounds like only one got out alive. Lucky bugger. We even lucked out and took our last chair at 3:40pm, and got the most out of our day. Hit up the Longhorn for dinner, I'd recommend it, their poutine is delicious. That's right, I gave in - whole heartedly and I don't regret it. We had an amazing day, and that we avoided a mess made it even better. 



 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Casual ring

A friend of mine at work got a ring from her boyfriend and said, "it's not an engagement ring though guys, it's just a casual ring"  


Despite scooping ice cream for a customer, I said to her, "I think what you're looking for is 'promise ring' what you said sounds much worse" that's when said customer piped in, "yea, this is my friends with benefits ring" I laughed so hard I practically fell into the ice cream cooler. 

Found that when I was looking for my picture and I barfed in my mouth a little. Okay, a lot. Here it comes again...


 
 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Drunkless

I set out some pretty lofty goals going into 2017, including not eating poutine, not dying my hair, and not drinking. How long I'll be able to keep any of these up, I'm not sure, but there's $100 riding on the drinking if I make it a year. I'll be honest, I kinda like not drinking. There's been times I wanted a glass of wine, on stressful work days like today, or out for dinner and at the bar. But I never have to worry about a ride home. And I'm productive when I get home after, and in the morning. I can make sure my friends get home safe. I'm sure I'm saving money. I bought a round of shots for my dodgeball team, no one cared if I drank one or not. I take responsibility for all my actions, always, without drinking as a fall girl. To nip it in the butt straight away (I know it should be "bud" I'm referencing a previous post) I'm not pregnant. I can see it on some of your faces, you've considered it. No. I just wanted to take a wee break. I foresee some concerns on the horizon, like my sisters wedding, my birthday...but it might be kinda fun to try all those things sober too. Give a wicked speech on sheer lady balls, without the liquid courage! Part of my incentive was all the training I'll do for the Ride, and the half marathon I signed up for in June. I also lost my minions hat while drinking, and it meant a whole lot to me. Of all the stupid things I've done drunk, the handmade minions hat was the last straw. I miss it. 


We'll see how long I can ride this out.  #poutine4life